Why couples fight about money

If there was ever something that might turn up the heat in a relationship it would have to be money. And no, I’m not talking about passion; I’m talking about tension. I don’t think I’ve met a couple who has not had a heated discussion about financial matters, ever!

Just this morning I had a phone conversation with a friend who shared how their current financial pressure was transferring pressure to their marriage. It’s true, isn’t is? Money can be the biggest cause of relationship stress.

Just in case you know someone who has this trouble I thought I might share the reason with you, so you can help your neighbor, friend or family member who ends up in a fight about money. (We know it won’t be you!)

The reason couples fight about money is quite uncomplicated. It is not always because there isn’t enough money, some couples fight because they have too much money. The reason people fight about anything is due to conflicting values, and it’s no different when it comes to money. You have money values and they may not be the same as your spouse. When there’s a difference in what is important there’s a tension – the further apart you are the more tension there will be.

The good news is you can fix this. Whilst it is not always an easy process, it is a simple one. There is one powerful question that you can discuss that will get you aligned and closer in values. The goal I encourage you to achieve is a set of shared values when it comes to money. In my books I call these your Financial Priorities, and they are the foundation for your financial survival and success. The question you discuss is this: “What do we think is important when it comes to money?” I encourage you to lubricate this conversation with small doses of chocolate or wine as this always develops a friendly atmosphere!

Through my programs I’ve counseled thousands of couples to undertake this process and seen marriages saved because of it. I’ve seen stupid spending stop, I’ve seen financial goals achieved and I’ve seen healthy habits formed. But best of all I’ve seen the fighting almost disappear as couples are empowered to achieve shared goals.

Here are a couple of extra thoughts that have worked especially well in our household. Often we pause to remind ourselves “We are on the same team.” When I stop thinking about myself and begin to think about everyone else I live with I send a message that says, “I care about what is important to you.” And prioritising others in your spending is a good way to demonstrate this. When there is tension we ask “How can we get to agreement on this?” Soon a solution arrives and we move forward as a team. I have found there is true power in unity.

I guess it would be fair to suggest that removing the ‘tension’ form of heat from your relationship may even add heat of a different kind.

(This article was originally published in Phil’s regular column in the Waikato Times newspaper.)